I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
