I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
