guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
