if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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