i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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