When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize