I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
