Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
