you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
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