I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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