We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
