I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
