this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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