if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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