I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
