so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
