We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
