you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
