Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
