sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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