It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
