she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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