Do you still have your period?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Randomize
