come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize