Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize