I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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