I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize