just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
