ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
