Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
