Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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