Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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