So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
