I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
