you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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