i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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