Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
