I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize