i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
