It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Be still, my beating vagina.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
