He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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