My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
