i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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