using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
