I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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