I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
