i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
