i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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