i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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