I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
