we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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