I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
