In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
