he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
