it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
