Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
