I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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