My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
