You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
