Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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