About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
